Sunday, April 01, 2007

Dissolution

Sun's a settin'
This is what I'm gonna sing
Sun's a settin'
This is what I'm gonna sing
I feels the blues a comin'
Wonder what the blues will bring...

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been fumbling in the sunset of Lifthrasir for the past week or so.

A mere four days after we completed our third Promyvion run, Murrdoc announced that he was taking a hiatus from the game. I was really sorry to see him go, but I totally understood the need to take a break. After all, I've done so myself a handful of times over the past few years, and Murrdoc had been playing this game for at least as long as I had. Taking a month off here & there can be a good thing.

However, in a matter of a couple of days, Murrdoc's character vanished from the linkshell community roster. And not just 'greyed out because I resigned from the community' gone. I mean... gone.

The shell has been almost entirely vacant ever since.

A few people log in briefly, but for the most part, I've been watching the imaginary tumbleweeds roll by, and silently saying goodbye to the people who may never come back.

In an obvious act of denial, I tried to coordinate ZM4 runs for the folks who needed it, and only Raikoh and I signed up, resulting in 3 consecutive weekly cancellations of the event. I tried to be angry and indignant about it, but all I could muster was sadness.

Something happened between that Dem run and Doc's departure, and I never really got the low-down, and probably never will. Which is fine by me actually. I really don't want to know what transpired.

This sounds cloyingly sappy, but I honestly can't find another way to articulate it: I hadn't realized how much of my heart I had invested in this group before they went away. I'm also saddened that I never got the chance to let them all know how special they were as a group, how uncharacteristic and refreshing it was to find a tight-knit group of balanced adults playing this game, people who would actually get together for dinner and play with their kids. It was my privilege to have been with them for the time that I was given.

It is a game after all, and people, especially adults with kids, move on.

However, the relationships we forge here are anything but virtual. As casual as they may be, they become a small part of the fabric of our lives. And it hurts to see that part fade away, almost inexplicably.

It's unfortunate that it had to happen like this, with such a whimper, and such a quiet, unresolvable resentment hanging over those who remain. That sounds dramatic, but I'm trying to be honest.

I've always carried a certain amount of pride with me when it comes to this game.

I pride myself on toughing it out where some folks would have probably quit and moved on to WoW or something. I still look back on my first post and feel the full weight of that moment at the waterfall, when I honestly wondered how much further I could go with this game.

However, I've realized that behind my pride is a sadness at the friends I've seen come and go in Vana'diel. A sort of ongoing mourning for the people who couldn't keep going with me, even as they were the ones who kept me going.

Not all of my friends are gone. There are several people on my list, and they know who they are, who continue to check in with me and make me feel like I'm more than a mote on an endless chain of redundant servers. Know that I value each and every one of you.

I'll continue to chip away at new facets of FFXI. But I won't lie and say that the wind hasn't left my sails a little, for the time being.

I'll miss you, Lifthrasirians. And I really hope to see some of you again. In the meantime, you know where to find me.

The adventure continues.

Sun's a risin',
This is gonna be my song.
Sun's a risin',
This is gonna be my song.
I could be blue but
I been blue all night long.
Langston Hughes, Hey

10 comments:

Maurice said...

If ya need a new Linkshell home holla at ya boi. Much love nad keep ya head up and handle ya business.

Maurice said...

AKA Tog from Ifrit

wyred said...

April Fools' joke right? :P

Paul said...

Nope, they're mostly gone.

Zorrandor, Minusjoker, and Maloc are AWOL.

Lycas and Norey log on sporadically, with Lycas leaning more toward playing WoW.

Quan logs in occasionally but is busy IRL.

Lexxi has taken an extended hiatus, mostly because Murrdoc left, but also because she's realigning priorities in light of what's been happening.

That leaves me and Raikoh, for the most part, with Quan popping in sometimes.

I'm not quitting or anything, but I'm just sort of bummed out. It feels like a cloud hanging over me when I log in.

I'll get over it eventually, though.

Murrdoc said...

Aw, Fro...
; ;

/sad Doc

I've been reading your blog ever since you joined the shell, and you've never failed to make me smile. I've always enjoyed your take on the events and adventures of our crazy little family, which is why I find it a little funny (read: ironic) how the post that actually gets me to leave a comment is the one that has saddened me the most.

Honestly, man...I'm not exactly sure what happened either. I was shocked to hear some of what happened after announcing my break from the game. Lex has been talking about taking a break for a long time, and I'm not surprised that she's decided to take one now...she's been my gaming buddy for the entire 3 years and has certainly earned the right to some time off as well.

However...

Norey and Lyc haven't said a word to me about my decision...not one word. Which surprised me immensely, considering that I'm the one who convinced (read: pestered ridiculously) Norey to start playing in the first place. I know they're upset with me, but I don't know why specifically. They know where to find me if they ever want to discuss it, and I'm more than willing to do so. If there's something I need to address or clear up, I absolutely welcome the opportunity.

Ultimately, it comes down to this...I never, ever anticipated that my decision to take a little time off from the game would leave the shell in apparent shambles, and I feel awful that the good people I call my friends have been affected so negatively. Nothing I can do at this point will change anything that's happened, but I want you (and any other Lifthrasirians that read this blog) to know that I love you guys dearly, and I will come back someday. I've invested too much time and energy in that silly Elvaan to totally walk away from the game or the most important part of ffxi...the friends I call my family that I've met along the way.

I just needed to take a break from Vana'diel and Doc for a little while, that's all.

Paul said...

Thanks for the kind words, Doc. It's actually really good to know that you didn't leave under negative circumstances.

To be honest, I felt the shell drifting a few days before you tossed around the idea of 'family nights', which seemed to galvanize people into playing again for awhile.

In the back of my mind I knew folks were starting to get tired, especially considering most of us are on our 3rd year in the game. If you hadn't quit, someone else would have drifted off in time, and the domino effect would have occurred regardless. It's just the way it goes.

I absolutely respect your decision, and Lexxi's, and anyone else who decides to take a breather, or even step away altogether.

But it doesn't make me miss you folks any less.

Drop a line anytime Doc, and I look forward to seeing you again.

/salute

Christine said...

I miss playing with you too Fro. I'm sorry that this whole crap happened. I'm very honored that you liked our bunch so much to become attached. I'm saddened over the state our LS but be rest assured, no friendships have been lost over this. We're all still friends in RL and we still hang out. The adjustment to Doc's leaving was a hard one for me and I guess I just felt that maybe it was a sign for me as well.
I hope we can keep in touch however... I like reading your blogs and hearing about your family! :)
~Christine

Feon said...

Oh Sorry to hear that your Prime LS Family has had a few bumps in the road =( I guess it explains why I havent seen you in alomst 2 weeks now =/ You know where to find me and your always welcome to stop in Till next time btw Rapido has been up 2 days now x.x lol

Faulsey said...

I'm sorry to hear about that.

I've not been on for a while, and when I have been on before now, it's usually at times of day when no ones been on, but I've known some of the people in that shell for quite a while, and I'm sad to hear it all seems to have come apart :(

Still, this is like the 3rd shell of theirs I've crept into, so I'm sure eveything will work out in the end.

-waves to Lexxi and Murrdoc-

Christine said...

*Waves back at Fausley!* You're very right to point out our many linkshells :P It's all about perspective and I definately like yours.

Miss you all terribly :)