Dissolution

Sun's a settin'
This is what I'm gonna sing
Sun's a settin'
This is what I'm gonna sing
I feels the blues a comin'
Wonder what the blues will bring...

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been fumbling in the sunset of Lifthrasir for the past week or so.

A mere four days after we completed our third Promyvion run, Murrdoc announced that he was taking a hiatus from the game. I was really sorry to see him go, but I totally understood the need to take a break. After all, I've done so myself a handful of times over the past few years, and Murrdoc had been playing this game for at least as long as I had. Taking a month off here & there can be a good thing.

However, in a matter of a couple of days, Murrdoc's character vanished from the linkshell community roster. And not just 'greyed out because I resigned from the community' gone. I mean... gone.

The shell has been almost entirely vacant ever since.

A few people log in briefly, but for the most part, I've been watching the imaginary tumbleweeds roll by, and silently saying goodbye to the people who may never come back.

In an obvious act of denial, I tried to coordinate ZM4 runs for the folks who needed it, and only Raikoh and I signed up, resulting in 3 consecutive weekly cancellations of the event. I tried to be angry and indignant about it, but all I could muster was sadness.

Something happened between that Dem run and Doc's departure, and I never really got the low-down, and probably never will. Which is fine by me actually. I really don't want to know what transpired.

This sounds cloyingly sappy, but I honestly can't find another way to articulate it: I hadn't realized how much of my heart I had invested in this group before they went away. I'm also saddened that I never got the chance to let them all know how special they were as a group, how uncharacteristic and refreshing it was to find a tight-knit group of balanced adults playing this game, people who would actually get together for dinner and play with their kids. It was my privilege to have been with them for the time that I was given.

It is a game after all, and people, especially adults with kids, move on.

However, the relationships we forge here are anything but virtual. As casual as they may be, they become a small part of the fabric of our lives. And it hurts to see that part fade away, almost inexplicably.

It's unfortunate that it had to happen like this, with such a whimper, and such a quiet, unresolvable resentment hanging over those who remain. That sounds dramatic, but I'm trying to be honest.

I've always carried a certain amount of pride with me when it comes to this game.

I pride myself on toughing it out where some folks would have probably quit and moved on to WoW or something. I still look back on my first post and feel the full weight of that moment at the waterfall, when I honestly wondered how much further I could go with this game.

However, I've realized that behind my pride is a sadness at the friends I've seen come and go in Vana'diel. A sort of ongoing mourning for the people who couldn't keep going with me, even as they were the ones who kept me going.

Not all of my friends are gone. There are several people on my list, and they know who they are, who continue to check in with me and make me feel like I'm more than a mote on an endless chain of redundant servers. Know that I value each and every one of you.

I'll continue to chip away at new facets of FFXI. But I won't lie and say that the wind hasn't left my sails a little, for the time being.

I'll miss you, Lifthrasirians. And I really hope to see some of you again. In the meantime, you know where to find me.

The adventure continues.

Sun's a risin',
This is gonna be my song.
Sun's a risin',
This is gonna be my song.
I could be blue but
I been blue all night long.

Langston Hughes, Hey